Re-thinking "the one"

Aug 28, 2018

People talk about searching for their soulmate and twin flame. Or finding that one special person they are meant to be with, who is ultra compatible, and ultimately, “the one”.

I can see how it may be important for two particular people to come together. I like to believe that my partner and I have come together for a reason far greater than ourselves. But the idea that there is one perfect partner out there - someone I will never fight with, someone with whom I will experience nothing but bliss with - is where “the one” thinking goes wrong.

What happens if, after years of being with my partner and raising kids with him, we stop all intimacy and start fighting all the time?

Do I conclude that my partner is not the one after all and start searching for someone new?

Or, do I stay in the relationship and use the challenge as an opportunity to look inside myself and re-create love?

The reality is that unless I explore the cycles and struggles I face in my relationship, I am highly likely to have similar relationship difficulties with my next partner.

Almost all love relationships have a predictable trajectory: a few years of happiness, followed by struggle of some sort, that slowly becomes more challenged, until thoroughly worked through and explored. And this process is likely to happen over and over again.

What I know from my work is that the couples who are the happiest are the ones who stay together despite the struggle and use the struggle itself as an opportunity for future growth, depth, connection, and more.

I am not suggesting that anyone stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, toxic, or miserable. There are legitimate deal breakers.

But I am suggesting that when conflict comes up within love relationships, there can be immense meaning and purpose in this. Our pain shines a light on the exact place within us that needs tending to and exploration of.

Relationships are filled with multiple opportunities for positive transformation.

I will end with this quote by Tom Robbins,

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love”.

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